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Cassaundra Kelly Reminds Us Why She Is the MILF Next Door!
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Transcript
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to panel time. I can't sing, but welcome to the show, babies. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to your favorite podcast. I'm your host, Ryan Pownell, and today we are joined by a Playboy Playmate, only fan superstar who she's a local. She lives here in Toronto. Oh my God. But no one sees her out because she's so fucking hot, she needs to trap herself in a room. Her name is Cassandra Kelly. Welcome to the show. Hello, hello, glad to be here. You're so hot. I've been nervous this whole time. I'm sweating like crazy. I've been through three shirts. Mr. Quickie's freaking out. You look great. Thanks, thanks. I do, but I can't. Well, first time we meet, we've been all living in Toronto. Like, why haven't we seen you? It's because you're too hot. You think you're better than us? We have a lot of friends in common too. That too. One of my best friends, Amber, was just on the show like a few weeks ago, right? Oh, you're besties with Amber. Yeah, I am. And that's actually like kind of how we got talking a little bit. Yeah, I know. I watched the clip of her squirting that guy's grandma's lashes and I died. I'm like, I need to be on this show. This is fucking great. I messaged him and I was like, this is awesome. Love it. And she knows Joey T also. Yeah, Joey T too. Yeah, I know Joey and Adam Julian. I've been friends with for like 12 years. I used to go out with them all the time. Have you ever had sex with Adam Julian? No, I haven't. What about Joey T? No. What about Amber Emery? I prefer not to just go with the information I have. Fucking right, Amber. Good for you. Only Ryan could get that information out of you. Was it a scissor or was it a? You know what? You'll have to ask Amber, have her back and she'll. Is that who gave you the kid? Did she impress you? I don't think that's physically possible, but yeah. Well, I don't really. Well, it's 2021. It is. There's a lot of shit going on. I don't even know how that works, the whole kid thing. For future reference, that's why nobody sees me out because I have a kid. Oh, that. We didn't get into that yet. Okay, that's why. No, but seriously, how old's your kid? She's almost five. She'll be five on Boxing Day. For everyone watching, the kid is here right now. She's here, yes. How do you say her name? It's a tricky one. It's Briar Rose. So it's like the original name of Sleeping Beauty from the Disney fairy tales. Like the original story is the story of little Briar Rose. Well, that didn't age well because your kid hasn't slept one second since. No. She's been rolling around on the floor. Yeah. Like 8.30 at night. She's got another hour to that time. And then, okay. Well, we can still talk about sex and say crazy things. Yeah, it's fine. She's fine. She's fine. Flamidia, gonorrhea, syphilis, okay. She wouldn't know what any of those things are anyway. Not yet. Yay! Okay, now let's get into it. So you did Playboy. Let's talk about that. Did you meet Hugh Hefner? You've been to the mansion? So I started doing international Playboys when I started. It was back what before when Playboy actually paid you to be in it. So when I was 21, 22, I did Playboy Mexico, Playboy Slovakia, I've been in. There is actually still a photo of me on the American Playboy Instagram page if you scroll far enough back. But I started doing like Playboy Miss Social when they had that one where like basically, it was basically like a modern day version of what they have now where you can vote for your favorite person, right? And then that person wins, like Maxim does it now. So Playboy started it years ago. And that's how I got into like the Playboy family. So I haven't met Hugh himself, but like Kaya Hefner, I'm good friends with. She knows he's dead. Yeah. Who's Kaya Hefner? She's Hugh's brother's wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like I know her, I'm friends with her. There's a bunch of other Playboy girls. I know I haven't actually been to the mansion or what I didn't at the time, but I've been in multiple, mostly. Well now like with the internet, obviously, you blew up on Instagram. She's got big following on Instagram, huge following on OnlyFans. You make so much more money just, you know, taking sexy pics in your bedroom at home. It's awesome. It's amazing. So are you like, how much money are you making? You making a fuck ton of money? I mean, yeah, I started, I got into it about two years ago and I make enough that I live for free. I don't have to work. I don't have to do anything else. So let's do it. Get your own mansion, ladies. Wow. Fuck the Playboy mansion. I mean, I'm also paying for university too. So I'm coming out of university debt-free. So do you make more now than your baby daddy? Yeah. So he actually doesn't pay me child support. Baby, he's pissed. I actually don't ask him for child support because I make more money than he does. Oh! Yeah. Wow. What a loser. I'm like, no, he's actually great. No, no, he's a loser. Okay, me and him have a great relationship. He's Caesar, like, all the time. Douchebag. He takes her every other weekend. Broke. Poor Ryan. He's not broke, I just make more than him. Loser, okay. Well, that's good. You're just saying that because you want to take me out. Yeah, I do. I pissed him. You know what? I do. Is this your baby, is it rolling around on the floor right now? I 100%. And you probably make a lot more than me, too. Us together. Loser. Yes. Broke. Douchebag. Okay. So why did you and your baby daddy break up? Honestly, he wasn't ready to be a dad. I got pregnant on the pill, and it was like. Wait, what? I was on the pill. Oh my goodness. I was on the pill. I took it religiously every day at one o'clock, because at the time I was working at a law firm as a clerk, and so it was my lunch break. Did you try and see the company of the Birth Control Pill? No, so it turned out that I was on an antibiotic for an ear infection, and the pharmacist didn't tell me it was one that counteracted my pill. And I was still taking the pill when I was like two months pregnant, so I kept taking the pill, so she had to go through a bunch of testing before she was born to make sure she was good. Girls, if your ear hurts, make your man pull out. No, or just ask the pharmacist. True. Well, who would have thought? Yeah. I mean, I just had pink eye last week. I don't know if that means I can still get pregnant, but. Yeah, definitely. You should get that checked out. Absolutely. Are you on antibiotics? You've been on them for a while. Yes. Yes. Didn't you just have chlamydia? Sorry, Ryan would like to hang out this week. It's called his Z-Pack for that, you know. Z-Pack. Yeah, that's what it's called. Okay, you brought up STDs, so let's get into that. Segway. Are we going to? All right. Have you ever had anything exotic? One time, one time when I was young. Yeah. Don't sleep with hockey players. Oh! Let's get a name, please. And now we want to trash talk. I'm not name-dropping. What team? He doesn't play anymore, so it doesn't really matter. Does it rhyme with Schmoshman Schmaffews? He's like 10 years younger than me, so no. Okay. Yeah, I'm not in, you know. Guys, you know what? Not a pedophile. Whoa. Okay. Well, at the time, it was 22, I'm 32 now. 10 years ago, how old was he? No chance you're 32. I'm 32. Wow. You look great, hun. Thanks. Good for you. You look amazing. Melf, melf, melf, melf, melf. Yes, you are a melf, I'm sure you get that every day. Yeah, you know, they always say they like the girl next door for Playboy Girls, and I'm like, it's the melf next door. Melf next door. The melf next door. Okay, so would you ever do melf porn? No, I wouldn't do porn at all. Why? I don't need to do porn. True. Why would I do it if I don't have to? Because? I mean, I could make more money, but more money than a shit ton of money is just a little bit more money, so. More money than a shit ton of money is just a little bit more money. Yeah. Good point. Yeah. So no dick on camera. No dick on camera. Dick off camera? I mean, because girls gotta live. True, you did get pregnant, but I mean, Ricky Martin fucked 500 girls. You know what I mean? You never know. And you told us he fucked Amber Emory. I didn't actually say that. I've noticed you know, Toronto on dates. I don't know anyone who slept with you. So, yeah. You probably do, they probably just don't, you know. No, they would brag. Yeah, they would be like. Sometimes I feel like that's the only reason guys date me now is so that they can tell their friends that they dated me. That's what I want to do. Yeah, okay. Yeah. That's what I'm going for. Ryan, you know what they say about girls who have kids? They have sex. Yeah. Like when, you know, you're in like first grade and then your teacher gets pregnant or whatever and you're like, oh my gosh, she had sex. Yeah, that happens. That is, that is. Okay, let's talk about sex. So, do you like it? Yeah. When's the last time you did it? Last Friday. Oh. Like we talking six days ago or? Yeah, six days ago. Oh, okay. First time with this guy? No, not first time with this guy. So you have a fuck buddy. Repeat offender? So, repeat offender from like a year ago that I recently just started. Rekindled repeat offender. That never works, but carry on. It doesn't need to work because it's just. Oh, it's just for. It's not something. The only thing that needs to work is the stick. Yeah, exactly. I get it. Thank you, yeah. And that's the best way to do it, I think. I have too much shit going on to have a boyfriend. So how often did you see him? I mean, that was the first time I'd seen him in the year, but I mean, hopefully again, hopefully again at some point. Yeah, you're just like, oh, it was good. Yeah, whatever, you know, I got time tonight. Okay, fair. But before Friday, when's the last time you fucked a dude? So I had this like steady guy going for a while on and off for like four and a half years. With, I love yous, I guess. No, not I love yous. Four years, no, I love yous? Four years, no, I love yous. And the reason I had to cut it off was because. And I thought I was a fucking player. The reason I had to cut it off was because he was getting too attached and I was just like, it's not like that. You know, guys tend to do that after four and a half fucking years. Yeah, but he shouldn't have because he had a girlfriend. Oh, so you're a homewrecker. I'm not a homewrecker, she knew. And I was technically, yeah, she knew and I was technically with him first. What kind of sick sex ring are you part of? It's not a sex ring. I'm just kidding. Well, what is happening? Who is this guy, legend? Fucking cool. He's not real legend because I cut him off, so. Okay, and let's see make you come. Yeah. Who's the other girl? I honestly, I haven't even met her. I just know that she knew about me because I was with him first. Was she hot like you or was she basic? Oh, really? And that's why I think she just let him. Do you think he's watching this right now? If he's not yet, he will be, I'm sure. He's gonna be like, that's about me. Are we live feeding this today? No, but. Thank God. We're not cutting anything out, okay. We're not cutting anything out, okay. No, okay, I have way more questions we gotta get to and I feel like we're running out of time. Actually, let's go with Mr. Cookie. Do we have a time limit? Yeah, well, it's usually 25 minutes. Perfect. Because you know what? Short and sweet. I don't wanna listen forever. People are busy. The last podcast I was on was like an hour long and I'm like, I don't even wanna listen to it. Well, we're both ADHD and we need to speed it up. Put things, yeah. People don't have time, yeah. Quick questions over here. It's nice enough that you guys tuned in. So we're on it. There's a billion podcasts out here, but you're here with us. So thank you. Pillow talk, gang. Okay, Mr. Cookie? Yeah. Okay, do you wanna pull out your phone right? Yeah. Okay, Cassandra? Yes. Are you ready? I mean, I don't know. I don't know if I can be ready. So I'm Mr. Cookie. They call me Mr. Cookie because I do everything and I mean everything as quickly as possible, okay? You now have 60 seconds. Ryan's gonna start a timer to answer as many questions as you can, as quickly as you can, starting now. Did your parents just feel like making your life a fucking nightmare by spelling your first name like that or was that just a typo at the hospital? I already explained it. No, that's great. No, my mom. Quick tanks, it's quick tanks. No, I love my name. Okay. What's your favorite position? And before you answer, just know I'm 100% certain Ryan's, it's Ryan's too. Doggy style. Yes, me too. Yeah, it's a nice. Fuck Mary Kill, Mr. Cookie, Ryan Pownall or your favorite vibrator? Can I kill you all? Ouch. All right, you're a model and influencer and overall a full-blown smoke show. Why the hell do you have a LinkedIn profile? Why do I have a LinkedIn profile? Because I own my own business and I'm going to school to be a lawyer. Good answer. As a Gemini, I'm assuming you think you're great at sex. What sign has disappointed you most in the bedroom? Scorpio. Good answer. You haven't had a cancer, baby. And that's all the questions we have for you today. Oh, we got it. You beat it, you beat the game. Fantastic. Okay, do you believe in that whole astrology bullshit thing? Sometimes I do. I mean, I always used to say that I had, like my Gemini, the two sides always came out. One was when I was sober and one was when I was drunk. I'm a Gemini, June 13th. Yeah, I'm 16. I get it. Look, he's smart, okay? He's no dummy, this guy. And he uses that to get laid. That's all he does. Yeah, but Gemini's are notoriously smart. That's a thing. You see, now, you see? Exactly. So when it happens, all the time, all the time. So we'll walk in a room and I'll tell my best jokes. You know, I'm on fire, I'm looking good that night. I got my Marilyn Monroe shirt on, you know what I mean? And I'm going off and then he walks in and goes, which one of you is the Aquarius? And then every girl's like, And what are you doing for sex later? Yeah, and he wins. You know astrology, girls will just say love that shit. I can't stand it because you can relate anything that somebody says to your sign. You can be the most erroneous message in the world. And they'll be like, oh, that's me. Girls love that. It's like an anime movie, it's bullshit. You know what? I've met people with the same birthday as me and they're fucking losers. So either I'm a fucking big loser or this whole astrology thing's bullshit. On my life, Ryan, we should not be friends. You're the coolest cancer I've ever met in my life. Thank you. And I've got a couple that are gonna be in my DMs piss when they hear about this. Okay, fair. Maybe you just don't relate to your sign. Some people do that. True, that's fair. Or they talk about those rising signs and shit, maybe you're just... It's all bullshit, it's just to get laid. Okay. It's just... So Cassandra, let's talk about your only fans. Okay. The money maker. The money maker. Baby daddy can't keep up. So... He's gonna be pissed when he sees this and I know he's gonna see it, because fuck, it's just my luck. That's right. I don't know who you are, but I'm sure you're a great dude. I live at 88 Blue Jays Way. Okay. Get him. Okay. So on only fans, what kind of content can we expect to see? So on my main page, my timeline, I'll do implied nudes, some nudes. It just depends on what it is. What's implied nudes? Implied nudes is when I'm naked but you don't actually see anything. So taking the photos I'm naked but I'm covered in a certain way where you don't... Like there's like... Yeah, like a hand or like, you know, whatever. Right, from the side. Yeah, just how I'm positioned. You don't actually see anything. Cassandra. Lots of lingerie posts, stuff like that. I'm asking for them. I know. I already signed. He already subscribed. Yes. I did 100% of it. You already knew. I'm just asking for them. Implied nudes. That's how I really got on the show. Launcher rate picks, hot tub picks, yeah, we know. Okay, keep going. And then in the DMs, I'll send out like videos, whatever of me naked. So like shower, striptease, stuff like that. Yes, I see. All the good stuff. Perfect, classic. Do you play with your vagina? I do not. Why not? I do not do any sexual acts on camera. Do you show what it looks like? I'll show it, yeah, in a video. If I'm like going around sometimes, like my best rated ones are ones are like where I set up a tripod and I dance around in the shower. Honestly, some of those go for like 50, 60 bucks a pop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like it's going in your video. I love shower. Yeah, I throw on some music and dance around in the shower. Walk around in the shower? Heard of it? Yeah, it's an easy, like, do you smoke weed or do mushrooms while you do it or are you just sober as a judge? No, I'm sober. I don't even drink. Really? We also just stop drinking too. Yeah, it's been almost two years for me. Okay, let's talk about that. We're gonna take a little break from sex for the first time in 20 episodes. This is episode 20, by the way. No way! He's really like putting the moves on now because he wants to take me over to dinner later. That's why, you know what? We won't even talk about sex tonight just for you. We'll go diet, coke, swatters, steak, and cancer sex. Well, he's been wheeling at Gemini for a long time so now he's gonna try this move that he's... He's dieting on practice. Yeah, exactly. Okay, no drinking, so why did you cut that out? I just got too much shit to do. Yeah, you don't have time to be hung over, right? And the older I get, I realize being drunk isn't as much fun as shitty as it is having a hangover. You know what I mean? So why waste my time being drunk for not even a great time? That's why we do mushrooms. Yeah, I've done them. Man, I love mushrooms so much. I've done basically every drug you can think of except anything that's IV related. Have you tried crystal meth? No, I mean, I'm not gonna smoke cracker meth or anything like that, but I mean, I've done shrooms. I, the owner of Senior Frogs in Cancun dosed me with acid once, so I did that. Love acid. Everyone is doing acid. I tried that. Acid is in right now. I've tried pretty much anything except for like extremely hardcore shit. Okay, Ryan, you should tell her our new saying about alcohol. Drinking makes you ugly. It's actually true. Have you seen people who drink a lot of their faces later? It's like droopy and soft skin. That was me. That was me. 17 days ago, you should have seen Ryan's face. It looked like a carpet. Yeah. Wow. Glad I came on the show now. Now, how do I look, Cassando? Great, great. I mean, it's a little warm in here. You're getting a little sweaty, but other than that, you're good. Okay. No, that's the ginseng in the mushroom. No, it's just because I'm here. I just want to be a stunt cock so bad. I don't do sex acts on camera, sorry. Turn off the cameras. Okay, so on your only fans, so that's how you do it. Do you have a management agency? I worked with one for a little while. I had a girl who was helping me run it, like she would help respond to DMs and stuff, but then she just ended up shitting the bed. So you do it yourself? I do everything myself. Yeah, so if you're getting a message on there, it's from me. How many DMs a day do you deal with? It depends. I mean, some days there's upwards of 100, some days there's only like three or four or five, but it just all depends on the cycle of the month and like how many people are in there. And the content you're putting out and stuff, yeah. The content I'm putting out, like. Like on a day where you're hot that week and then you post good content and then you do like unlock this for 40 bucks thing, those days must be hot. Yeah, those are the great days. So the only time you can do like on your main page, like unlock this for $40 is if you have a free account, but I actually charge like a subscription, a monthly subscription. What's the price on this subscription? It's $9.99 a month, but I offer deals and stuff, like if you get six months, whatever. But so the only time you can do like an unlock this is if I send like out a massive DM. I see. That is like a video and it has a price on it. Yeah. But those are the best days. Do you do that when you wanna go on a trip or something? You're just like, fuck this, I wanna get the cake. Let's get the cake. Well, most of the time, any trips I go on are free anyway because they're usually model shoot trips. Fair. So I'm going out. So even my vacations are work. You know what? I think being a hot girl now is way cooler than being a guy. I think it's just easier. It is. I think it's just easier. Isn't it fun being a really hot girl? It is, I mean, great. Okay, let's talk about celebrities in your DMs. Oh God. That's my favorite topic. Blue check marks, let's go. Bang, bang, bang, bang, boom, boom, boom, boom. Like over the years or recently? Let's, the one that stands out the most. Okay, so from December till March. Drop names. Yeah. I can't, okay, fine, I will. From December till March, I was dating on and off, kind of dating, talking to an actor. Who? He played in Riverdale. He was one of the dads. Ooh, I liked that. Wow. So I was talking to him and then in February, I flew out to LA to see him the end of February. To see him? To see him, to visit him. Did you guys have sex? What do you think, Ryan? Let me finish the story. Anyway, so I went out to see him and then I come home and obviously in Canada we have quarantine going on right here. But wait, wait, wait, let's go back to where you were. Where I was. In LA? Yeah. Did you guys have sex? Okay. Okay. Cause you yadda, yadda, yadda over the best part. I know, but like I'm trying not to call him out too hard but this next part's gonna fucking call him out pretty hard anyway, so I probably should've just led with it. Which character was it on Riverdale again? I don't know, I didn't watch the show. He's a father. He's a father. I don't know, I didn't watch it. Okay, stud. I don't watch Teen Popper shows. And so I flew back in and I was sitting here in Niagara, obviously in here, you know, Toronto area, flew back in. And I'm on quarantine because here we have to fucking quarantine when we get back. And fucking I opened up Instagram and I just got back from seeing him, just met his kids, just did all this shit. And he's fucking out with Lucy Hale on a date making out, paparazzi's caught them. And so I messaged him being like, what the fuck dude? Like I was just at your house and met your kids. I spent the whole weekend with you. And you're making out with some teeny bopper actress on a fucking rodeo drive at a restaurant. It was brutal. So then I just stopped talking to him after that. It was fine. Okay, you know what? This one? That would be him. Oh. Wait, let me see. Let me double check. Let me make sure. His name is Luke Perry? No, not Luke Perry. Oh, sorry. Perry passed away that side. Oh, can I tell him to do that? No, Skeet. His name is Skeet. Martin Cummins, Skeet. I don't know, okay. Skeet, Skeet. Bye. Bye. Riverdale sucked anyways. Yeah, he died. He died on the show? No, he died to me. Oh. He's a ghost. Okay. So now what are you looking for? What kind of guy? Honestly, after that, like, ah, normal. Somebody who could like, I'm actually so boring. Wave me. You're getting a DM from 905 Shooter right after the episode. 100%. That's how we roll? I'm so boring. Like, I between school and like mom life and you know, work and everything. Like, I think that that's another problem that I have with dating is people is like, see my Instagram and see everything and they expect like me to be a certain type of way and then they don't realize like 90% of the time I'm at home on my couch. Wow. Yeah. Well, anytime you want me on your couch with you, I will be there. See. Okay, I think that wraps it up. Cassandra Kelly, should we do a quick on-course story? Do you have a crazy story for us? Maybe you should finish it? I mean, I feel like I've called out enough people. Yeah, you did. As your kid yells in the background. You know what? I fucking love this episode. I'm surprised she hasn't ran in here yet. You're good. Don't sell yourself short. You are fun. Yeah, you're really great. You're really great. You should come out more. Should we bring her in? Yeah, bring her in. Brie, come here. Brie, come here. Brie, come say hi. Come here, Brie. Do you want to come say hi? We're gonna have the kid on the show. How old are you? Five? She's almost five. Stop rolling on the floor for a second and come say hi. Brie, come here. I know the pool table. Look at this little peach. Oh, you're a sweetheart. Can I come sit? Mommy has nice breasts. Sorry. You didn't have to say it to her face. Come on. Sorry for talking about sex for your kid. I said breasts instead of boobs, I said breasts. Come here and say hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. So it's five years old? Five years old. And four. Four, almost five. Okay. Boxing day. Okay, ready? And have you ever seen mommy working? Have you seen mommy working? She's kind of some photo shoots. No. Oh, okay. No, don't lick my face. You've never seen mommy at work? Good ass. She's very good at her job. I pay a lot of money for her. Okay, okay. That's enough, Ryan. Okay, go back and grab the phone. Okay. She's gonna go back and forth. Okay, I'll give it to you in a sec. Go, please. Thank you. There we go. Okay, Cassandra, Kelly, where can I- Was she pissed when you got breast implants? Cause she couldn't- I got them when I was 21. Oh, so they're pretty. I got them before I ever had her. Could she still? Yeah. Honestly, you go into the muscle, you have no issues. I don't understand the science. It was the best thing. Do you know what sucked though? After I was done breastfeeding, they swelled up. So I literally thought I was gonna pop an implant. Wow. I honestly thought I was gonna pop it. You know what? This just reminded me, you know what Amber did? And what Aura did? It's kind of a tradition on the show. What? And I- I'm scared. They dumped them out. They dumped them out. I can, dude. Oh, the kid. Well, she sucked on them. She used to put them in her mouth. Yeah, I know. And she honestly is horrified by that fact. Oh, really? Yeah, she hates it. She hates it so much. She's like, that is disgusting, mommy. Okay, fine. Okay, sorry guys. Okay, Cassandra, Kelly, where can everyone find you on your socials? Cassandra Kelly. That's it. Instagram.com. C-A-S-S-A-U-N-D-R-A. A-U. Kelly. Yes, apparently my parents hated me. That's it. You know, you're great. Thank you for coming on. Thank you for coming on. Thanks for having me. I'm your host, Ryan Pannel. That's Mr. Quicky. And we will see you next. Oh, oh, oh. We need to add in now. Don't forget to subscribe. We never say subscribe. Apple, subscribe, and Apple. Spotify, Spotify. YouTube, YouTube. Love it. Okay, subscribe. See you next Tuesday. Yay! Woo!
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